I went back to the gym today. I thought I was going to die 20 minutes into my Cycle class… on the lowest setting. I thought I was going to puke when I was done with the 45 minute class. True story. I was praying I could make it the locker room before I lost my yogurt. (I was fine, by the way.) Why I decided to go back to the gym and attend the cycle class with Barb, (whom I think is) the toughest instructor but also one of the most amazing people ever, is beyond me. But I was determined this morning.
I haven’t been to the gym since February. I had started going to the gym regularly the end of October last year and had actually stuck with it. I was working out with a friend, feeling better about myself and actually feeling stronger. I had more energy and loved the “me time” of just being able to focus on myself. (Side note- I used to think “me time” was kind of selfish. Then I learned how important it actually is!) Along came our unexpected pregnancy which came with the worst morning sickness I’ve had with any of my pregnancies. I was exhausted and constantly nauseous. Thus ended my gym reign, but I was so nauseous all the time, I actually lost weight that first trimester. Then. Then we lost that Baby Girl. I’m an emotional eater, guys. Not only am I an emotional eater, but I LOVE to bake and cook. So I baked all the things, because being in the kitchen is one of my happy places…and then I ate all the things.
Now before I go any further with this post, I want to make something very clear: I do not for one second think any of our value and worth is placed in how we look. I think your character and soul and how you treat other people are what make you smokin’ hot. If your kids are still alive at the end of the day and you’ve made it through the day without tearing another person down, you’re pretty much killing it in my book.
So anyway, back to my gym day today. I haven’t been feeling good about myself. I’ve been feeding my body crap food (you all know what I’m talking about). My Chron’s Disease has been flaring up. My clothes aren’t fitting quite like they used to. I don’t have a lot of energy and just plain-old don’t feel well. I am ready to change that- to get back in control of my health and my energy. To change some habits that have unfortunately formed.
I’ve been reading this book called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis. It’s a fantastic book that I’d recommend to anyone. One of the things she heavily emphasizes is not breaking promises to yourself. If you truly want something, you’ll find a way to make it happen. I promised myself no more emotional eating and that I was going to get back to feeling good about myself. So this morning, I put on my Jades and sneakers and headed to the gym (where I had my near-death experience).
But here’s the real point of this entire post: When I got done, I DID NOT feel good about myself right away. I mean, when you finish a workout like that, you’re supposed to feel amazing. You just finished a cycle class and didn’t die. Yay, you! But all I could think to myself was how out of shape I am. I used to be able to do so much more in Cycle class. Barb didn’t used to scare the be-jesus out of me. ‘Why did you eat so much junk at the lake this weekend? Of course you feel like crap.’ I had taken this selfie to share with my online community and thought ‘Why the hell am I smiling in this photo?! There is no way I’m posting this with how crappy I feel.’ (Remember in my last post how I talked about how easy it is to just post the good stuff?)
Except then I really looked at that selfie. This red-faced photo (because I get really red when I work-out. I have no idea why) of me in my workout clothes that don’t quite fit like they used to. This photo was proof that I’d upheld my promise to myself! This photo was me DOING something about how I feel about myself. And just like that, I felt my mindset shift. ‘Girl, you just worked your ass off! You damn well better post that photo!’
It’s so, so easy to bring our own selves down with our own negative self-talk. It’s so, so easy to take something that should make us feel awesome and turn it into something that makes us feel defeated. I have no desire to be ripped, but I’d love to be toned. I have no desire to run a marathon, but I’d love to be able to run a few miles and not feel like puking. I really don’t put a lot of stock into the scale (altho I can tell you I weigh more now than I ever have other than when I was pregnant with the boys); I just want to feel better about myself and my health. I used to think saying positive things about myself was really silly, but I’m learning that it’s actually kind of essential to my well-being.
Today, if this is you, I’d love to invite you to my online community. You can find the link at the end of this post. (Yes, my LuLaRoe business is also run from there, but the community that has formed there is so, so much more than clothes. If you hate it, I will take no offense if you leave, but you may find an amazing group of women who are dealing with some of the same life things you are). I’m going to be running an accountability group of sorts within and would love to have you join us.
What promises have you made yourself and not been keeping? What negative self-talk needs to be flipped around? Start small, my Friends. Don’t expect to be perfect and make a bunch of changes over night, but for the love of all things good in this world, OWN your successes! Shout them from the rooftops! The big and small! Because as long as you’re moving forward, that’s really all the matters, and it deserves to be celebrated.
My Online Community: http://www.facebook.com/groups/rusticposyboutique